Just before our fourth wedding anniversary, I plopped myself down on our couch with a protein shake and our laptop. I had decided to write out a list of ways that marriage had shown me about God. I’d been thinking about relationships ever since I finished listening to Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller (which is an excellent book). Here are a few of the thoughts that have been pinging around in my head.

Love changes us, not pressure

In my darker moments, I try to use variations of pressure and fear to get people around me to change. I have thankfully been healed from the more intense version of this when I was younger, but it is still a habit that I am trying to kick. It just seems so much simpler to lean on someone until they bend to your will. The problem is, it’s never a long-term solution.

If our aim is to change other people, we will fail even if we succeed. God’s plan is simple: Love others without expecting anything in return. Jesus was given freely for us and, while he deserves our full worship and attention, he does not lean on us until we break. He loves us because he loves us. So what is our motivation to love if not to change people? It is simply because we have received love. "We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19 ESV).

This love naturally changes people, but not in the way we’d hope. Instead of changing other people, it changes us and our perspectives. We see people as God sees them and love them the way God loves them without expecting anything in return. We simply love them because we love them and let God handle changing people.

God designed us for community

God doesn't want any of us to live in isolation. His love and glory for us is embodied in the hugs we give people on Sundays, the laughs we have with coworkers, and the snuggling on the couch with our loved ones. I enjoy having time to myself to sit back and watch my favorite TV show or tinker with my computer. Those calm moments are where I recharge and learn to rely on God. However, they should not be our only moments.

If we are to really live like Jesus, we must surround ourselves with those odd, uncomfortable, fantastic, emotional, broken things called people. God’s joy can flow perfectly in community because love does not exist in a vacuum. As Jesus said, "For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them" (Matthew 18:20 ESV).

Love expands when we stretch ourselves

Marriage become infinitely more simple and comforting when I realized that it required that I died to myself. I haven't always done well since then, but I now know what to ask myself when things start to taste a little sour. The conundrum is that we must stretch out of our comfort zone to feel the comfort of love. Love kept in a jar devolves into selfishness.

When we were about to have our daughter Mia, I thought that my love was about to be torn in two. I thought of my love for Angela as a limited resource rather than an ever-expanding expression of God. I now can say that I love my wife more deeply than I ever have before and I also have an indescribable love for my daughter. During the first year and a half of stretching after having Mia, I found my capacity to love and accept love expanded.

Question: How do these ideas strike you? What are your thoughts about marriage and life?